There’s a certain kind of game that makes you stop and question your life choices. For me, that moment came while sweet-talking a refrigerator that had abandonment issues. That game is Date Everything, and yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like.
I went into it expecting a meme. What I got was a full-on experience. Emotional arcs. Over 100 characters. Actual choices that mattered. It’s a ridiculous concept pulled off with surprising heart. And I think I kind of loved it.
Let’s rewind.
The story starts with you getting fired from a faceless corporate job. A mysterious hacker gives you magical glasses called Dateviators, which let you see the hidden emotional world of household items. Suddenly, your house is filled with flirty toasters, shy lamps, and seductive beds. From there, your job is simple. Or so it seems. Build relationships. Flirt. Befriend. Or even make enemies.
Each day, you get five hearts to spend on interactions. One for each time slot from morning to night. Every object has its own preferences. Some only talk in the evening. Others appear only on Mondays. Some hide entirely until you unlock them through other connections. It’s not always smooth. Sometimes it feels like you’re chasing ghosts around a mansion with no map and no clues. I spent way too long trying to track down the right curtain, at the right window, at the right hour. Felt like I was playing an escape room with relationship drama.
But when it clicks, it really clicks.
Every object, or “Dateable,” has a fully voiced personality. There’s a piano diva named Keyes who is a little too aware of her own elegance. A treadmill who wants you to commit to fitness and emotions. A nightstand who just wants to be noticed. These aren’t throwaway gags. Most characters have real backstories, even touching ones. One of them casually brings up depression. Another explores toxic loyalty. The game isn’t afraid to get weird, but it’s also not afraid to get real.
And yes, the voice cast is stacked. Ashley Johnson. Steve Blum. Laura Bailey. These are big names, and they’re clearly having fun. It adds an extra layer of charm when you hear a Hollywood-caliber voice delivering emotional monologues as a microwave.
Visually, the 2D character portraits look great. Colorful, expressive, and surprisingly detailed. Unfortunately, the 3D exploration part is a bit rough. Your house feels bland, with low-res textures and very little personality. On PC, I had regular frame drops just from walking around. The bathroom, stairs, and gym were all major lag zones. Also, the game doesn’t support ultrawide monitors, so I was stuck with black bars and a tiny screen in the middle.
There were also bugs. I had several cases where my relationship progress wouldn’t save properly. One object hated me, even though the game said we were friends. Another character’s storyline kept resetting every day. These issues blocked me from reaching key story points, which was frustrating.
Despite the glitches, I kept coming back. The loop is addictive. Each day brings new connections. Some lead to romance. Some to rejection. Others are just strange and hilarious. And that’s the point. Date Everything doesn’t take itself too seriously. It knows it’s absurd. The developers even said it was “deliberately stupid” in interviews. And somehow, that honesty works in its favor.
So, would I recommend it?
Yes, if you have a sense of humor and a tolerance for jank. It’s a dating sim, a satire, and an emotional experiment rolled into one. You’ll laugh. You’ll groan. You might even care a little too much about your talking dishwasher.
Date Everything!: It’s not perfect. But it’s different. And sometimes, different is enough. – Tom Henry
Pros:
- Brilliant and bizarre concept
- 100+ fully voiced characters
- Funny, sometimes touching writing
- Strong 2D art and character design
Cons:
- Buggy progression in places
- Frame rate drops during exploration
- Lack of ultrawide support
- Can get repetitive over long sessions
